1 Apr 2017 by Hazel
Argh! I seriously wonder if men allow women to define them in the same way we women sometimes do. As I’m sure any reader of my blog will know, Little Miss Independent here has declared UDI on romantic love and is going it alone from here on in. As I explained to a friend yesterday, rather tongue in cheek, no man will ever meet my rather long, ever increasing list of pre-requisites so why would I bother. That settled I got on with the preparations for our spring Soirée thinking nothing more of the conversation.
However my subconscious had other plans and this morning I have woken with a very frustrating, incredibly annoying little flea in my ear reminding me of my last encounter(s) with the opposite sex. My tummy is too floppy. I don’t stand right. I make him feel like a love sick teenager. I make him feel inferior. My hair is too short. I’m too loud. On and on the bloody list goes about all the reasons I’m not good enough. FFS (sorry) but seriously who gives a flying fig! One of these encounters was with a bloody man with NPD so I was never going to be good enough. The other was seriously depressed and was struggling with his own sense of self worth and the other, well he was just someone I thought was a friend. So why in heavens name do I care? That is so not rhetorical, someone explain, please! Because it seriously makes no sense to me.
I love my space. I love the autonomy I have to live my life the way I want to. To do my own thing. Last night I had an amazing evening with my wonderful girlfriends and I did not have to worry about what my “partner/husband” was going to do for the evening (which is what I used to do). I love who I am and throughout the evening I was mentally jotting down reason after reason why I would never enter into another relationship again. So why? Why do I allow myself to give men this sort of hold over me? And how many other women do this as well?
I am an island. Well when it comes to men and relationships with them, I am. At this point in my life I just don’t want the added complication that relationships bring. Trying to fuse together families, yuk! The constant tug-o-war I find myself in when I am juggling my time – just no! Not to mention the fact that I end up compromising myself in a desperate bid to please the person I love. No. No and No. So why? OMG it is really time to re-frame and refocus me thinks. See even this Little Miss Positivity has days when life gets a little screwed up.
I think, however, she says reflecting, it is about wanting to be desired. Nobody likes to be criticised and put down. Nobody likes to be blamed for ill feelings no matter who is dishing it out. Its the feeling of being discarded. We believe, in ourselves, we are enough so when somebody points out a shortcoming we question our view of ourselves. I’m going to have a morning with Brené and remind myself that I am absolutely ENOUGH!!!!